It takes a long time to actually grasp a situation but I am writing to let you know that I have got it now.
You were never interested so why did you hold on for so long!
I have known you a very long time and transferred my desire for another onto you. I had no right to have feelings outside of an already established union, but this sort of thing happens all of the time to those who find themselves between a rock and a hard place. The lack of subsistence inside of something that seems futile and ineffectual at the time may lead someone down a road to nowhere. Sadly holding onto emotions for far too long lead to disappointment. You on the other hand did not make steps to prevent a situation that was never meant to be. Why did you hold onto it? You could have just articulated your outlook and let it be known that there was nothing in it from where you stood. Why did you not allow closure instead of hope? This led to a build up of an illusion inside of my head that at times made me think that I was going out of my mind with the grief of not knowing where I should stand. I do sound a tad bit crazy looking at it now because I understand and have been freed. Yet beforehand I would Beat myself up in an attempt to keep my emotions under some form of control. I felt that I didn't do to badly to hide it, yet you made it known that you knew all along?
The madness lasted for far too long.
I remember that I expressed to you on more than one occasion that feelings lingered. You however never reciprocated and yet I still kept returning for more of the same punishment that you, I was dishing out to myself. Sometimes I would actually convince myself that you were just shy and did not have the right words to say to me or made the excuse that you were doing the chivalrous thing by keeping nonchalant because you knew that I was already attached and unavailable to you. Should I say thank you for that?
The trouble here is that we built up a so-called friendship or at least that's what I thought it was. Almost ten years of camaraderie, which in fact you tore down in almost an instant. Your pride and ego overtook you and you just could not bring yourself to apologize for your actions. I overlooked them because I would always rise above your foolishness. Nevertheless at this point you went from being a man to appropriating the form of a boy. That turned he alarm bell on.
I recall that I helped you out on more than one occasion and never asked for anything in return. You were always so pompous and pious, full of yourself without even a word of thanks or an expression of appreciation. I seized every opportunity because I had the desire, to have a measly scrap of your time. That's all it was just a handful of crumbs nothing really satisfying yet I did not mind the small morsels you threw my way. In my own ignorance, a little time was better than no time at all.
I invited you out and you never accepted, Jeez was I foolish and blind, naive and immature. To think that we ever had anything! It was just the thought of being in your presence that consoled me. Yet every time that we parted I had to find ways to lift up my spirits for the thought of not being with you always chipped away a little part of me every time and made me doubt who I really was. Who I really am.
You were the professional and I was just another one of your clients that's all nothing more and nothing less.
I used to think of you on a daily basis, I could even smell your scent in your absence. Although when I look back you were nothing but a mean and cruel individual to me, you spoke to me harshly with venom in your voice, you looked down on me with disgust and eventually dishonored me in a room full of people. Where was your professionalism then? You cut me deep, but it was my own fault since, my expectations were unfounded and you never gave any indication that you wanted me.
What makes a woman or a man think so deeply that they can become attached to someone who plainly just does not want them? What makes a woman or man think that something good could ever come from nothing? Time invested could just be, wasted time. Time spent in your own head with the hopes of a tomorrow that will never come.
Today I feel a little lighter and although the pain still lingers around slightly, with each day it gets a little easier to understand and manage. I do miss our little chats though and the anticipation of being there amongst your aura. I don't think I ever wanted you in a sexual way, I mean, your form is not that which is to my taste, and even if we had copulated you would have probably licked your lips with my essence and lay there emotionless anyway. Oh the very thought. I often try to think what it really was that I saw in you, I just can't seem to put my finger on it.
It just existed.
Come to think of it were you ever nice to me? I often ask myself looking for pieces of congeniality and yet there is none. I always supported you and when you were on your own or at your lowest Point I would still be there, trying to encourage you and tell you how good you were at what you did. I forsook my long-term mate and transferred my longings onto you in the hopes of you longing for me.
Why didn't I just get it?
The trouble with me is that I don't know when to let go and still now look at me, I exhaust myself thinking of the failures and the hanging on to nothing of value. Being in a union that amounts to just years, hence looking outside brought me to you. The loneliness kills me, I'm lonely with him and I was lonely with you how sad is that? A vicious cycle that needed to be broken but how? You get used to being treated a certain way yet one should recognise their own self worth surely!
You hear it all the time women getting beat down in a physical way but that is not the only way to get beat down. What about the emotional and psychological beat downs and the scars that they leave? They can cause as much damage as the physical. You can break away from something damaging, although it may be difficult, it is not impossible.
I used to ask myself after I had been in you presence, "why do you keep on doing this to yourself?" Yet still I kept going back for the same depraved treatment, I would feel real bad only to go back and do it all over again. My emotional state was in turmoil and I did not know how to get out. I would pray, cry, shout, console myself and yet still kept on making the same old mistake. You were like a drug I craved, I needed you to keep on functioning is it any wonder that you looked down on me? How? Could you see my desperation and because of it you felt repulsed?
And what about ones mind playing tricks? That was another detrimental factor, second-guessing everything. Looking deeply at every word that was spoken. I would analyze, scope and dissect everything that had been said. As if there were some hidden and deep hieroglyphic and cryptic message within every expression. Damn it. It was just a basic conversation and yet there I was looking to find more to what was being said. To glean something of substance that would bring us closer together.
We went from talking intimately all of the time, to just a Hi and a bye. Things feel so awkward now. I know that I felt a way before, what's the point to all of this madness that still lingers. So many years, amounting to nothing, it seems like a waste. Was there a lesson in it? Time isn't going to wait for no one and I seem to have wasted a lot of it. It was like being on a desert island waiting for a ship that had already sailed. Long gone.
Why did you tell me your secrets? That's how I kept them, Held them close to my heart. I felt privileged that you would divulge deep aspects of yourself to me. Why? We walked together, sat down and laughed, shared moments talking and bonding. Well that's what I thought it was, bonding.
I think that people should have the ability to use telepathy when in the presence of another person! Intuition isn't enough. This would make life so much easier because if we could read each others minds, people would not have to second guess what they thought the other person was thinking. We could come away from a conversation having clarity knowing exactly what the other person was thinking.
I remember you got angry with me once for reiterating to someone what you had told me, we obviously had a breakdown in communication because in my head I thought that you wanted me to tell them what you had told me. My bad, but I learnt from that. I pleaded my case you got over that quick enough and did not stay mad at me for too long.
What is my problem? I'm right back here again reminiscing at foolish nonsense, girl accept it. What the hell are you looking back there for? There is nothing left for you to see, get over it and learn from it why don't you! Bounce and keep it moving.
Even my friends told me there was no worth in it but I had my head in the clouds. Yes I did and what do you find above the clouds a mass of blue nothingness, no matter how breath taking it looks, its is just an empty massive space and that's what our friendship turned out to be null and void.
I am going to sign out and sign off. I cannot say that it was nice while it lasted because there isn't anything to show for it. Our situation was a strange one, saying words without really saying anything at all, no depth to it. That was the illusion that I created. It lasted a decade and it really decayed, from strength to weakness, friendship to aloofness, Hi to bye and now to eternal silence.
I will be seeing you around I'm sure. I can't say that it's easy because every time that I see you I overpower the feelings that I once felt. I have taken back the control and have chosen not to even look in your direction or at you any longer, in order for no former feelings to resurface inside of me. I don't want any awareness or delusion to be present within.
Through your reticence I have drawn my own conclusions and I am comfortable to say that I can accept what has been said. I will not reach out or offer you any of my time unless you ask for it.
Never will I give the feeling of desperation for you to feel repulsed by it ever again.
I accept and have chosen to close that door and open a new one that enables me to love myself and move on.